Obsolescence

Nothing lasts forever. Nor is there any reason that it should. Still, sometimes it’s hard to let go of things which have been with you your whole life. Movies have been on their way out for awhile now but this year I swear I’ve heard death rattles from the bowels of the multiplex. I can’t imagine no longer going to a darkened room with a few hundred seats and checking out of my reality and into another for a couple hours. But I doubt most people these days could say the same. There are too many other ways to distract oneself. I can see moviegoing becoming a fetish like record-collecting (which, of course, I indulge in as well).‌
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‌It’s no great shock that I’d cling to a dying art form. After all, painting hasn’t been truly important to society since sometime in the 19th century, but I have no plans to stop doing that either. I don’t remember myself without a pencil or brush in my hand my whole life, but I knew way back that what made me feel alive would also keep me out of step. Art chose me and never told me that what I’d be doing might seem outmoded or quaint to others.‌
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‌I wasn’t even born when painting mattered but can certainly remember when movies did. Books are headed towards history’s landfill as well. The Printers Row Book Fair used to be an important summer event in this city, but this year’s was more like a glorified garage sale. Wandering in the blistering sun past stalls piled with tomes which will likely never be read made me sad. The fact neither of my publishers even bothered to bring my books didn’t lighten my mood any either. I can’t imagine life without books. I still read at least a couple pages every day. But I can certainly see a future in which I’m not involved in making them. It looks very much like today.‌
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‌There’s no point in mourning any of this. There’s no reason for a thing to exist unless it absolutely has to. For instance, there’s no need to print newspapers in 2017 other than keeping up the habit of killing trees. Everything a newspaper was used for can now be taken in on one kind of screen or another; whereas that’s not true for either movies or paintings. Both suffer from changes of format or venue; in fact, they are no longer themselves once robbed of their original setting and context. Sometimes, paradoxically, once an art form has passed out of fashion, it is freed to be explored more purely. After the advent of photography, painting continued on its own peculiar path and continues to be a worthwhile way to express oneself for the small subset of artists who keep at it. Maybe moviemakers and book-writers will also keep creating, albeit for a much more specialized audience. I hope so.‌
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‌Being irrelevant has its advantages.‌
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‌—The dog’s name is Walter. He died after choking on a bagel. I never met him but hear he was a good boy.

Success

‌I don’t know what success means. I never have. If I’ve had any, I’ve rarely felt it. But by most metrics I’m aware of, I haven’t had that much. Of course the way you measure how well you’ve done has a lot to do with what your expectations are and that’s one of my main problems—I expect almost nothing.‌
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‌What I do feel and often expect is failure. I couldn’t tell you when I’ve truly achieved something, but I could sure as hell tell you all about all the times I’ve fallen short. Is this a personality flaw, a philosophical stance, or just an inevitable symptom of being involved in an unwinnable pursuit?‌
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‌So far this year I’ve probably sold more paintings for more money than in any other in recent memory. The money makes day-to-day life easier without a doubt, but after thanking the buyer for the business I’m left feeling nothing. It’s not a sense of loss either. I’ve never felt attached emotionally to my pictures once I’m done with them. I also have enough ego to expect to sell my work. I have little doubt that it’s good enough to earn me a living. But that isn’t the same as feeling joy from success.‌
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‌A fellow painter once told me she would masturbate after finishing a painting to celebrate. I had no idea where she was coming from. When I finish a painting—if I think it isn’t a bad one—I have a few minutes of sitting back and looking at what I’ve done, then I forget about it and go on to the next thing. If there’s any exultation, it is at the prospect of a clean slate. Much more understandable to me was when a singer friend told me she’d masturbate in the dressing room before going up on stage to calm her nerves.‌
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The stage or the screen is where success is most often determined in our society. I’ve done enough book readings and other public events to know that I don’t belong on stage or crave that kind of attention. This past week I saw two great concerts. I’ve been going to see both musicians for decades at this point. Afterwards, I wondered what they felt after bringing so much joy to hundreds of people. Where they as happy after the show as we all were? Or did they just mop up the sweat and get back on the bus to the next tour stop? If I ever had any rockstar dreams, they died many many years ago. I love what these people do but have no desire at all to be in their place. ‌
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‌My stage is a blank piece of paper and there is no one clapping around its edges, nor should there be. The most satisfaction I ever feel is when I’m lost in the middle of a drawing. Lately it’s most often happened on CTA buses and trains while drawing with colored markers. I have no sense of where any of it is going, which is a funny sensation to have while aboard public transit. I take the bus or train till it reaches its terminus, then get back on and take it the other way.‌
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‌This aimlessness isn’t just some metaphor. Maybe having some vague directional pull with no true destination is all I’ll ever have. There’s no winning in art because the endpoint never stops moving. Best thing I can do is just keep getting on the bus.‌
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Ask me about how I can beautify your workplace

‌A couple weeks ago my friend Don invited me to his office at Columbia College to take a look at the wall across from his desk. He’s been teaching writing there for twenty years and decided his workspace needed a bit of a facelift. His room is in a rabbit warren of similar little rooms for other writing professors. Not much light gets in beyond the slats of the shades and Don assures me the view consists of the never-ending brick of the neighboring building. ‌
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‌The wall in question is currently decorated with a slightly tattered print of Peter Blume’s The Rock; a painting Don claims he doesn’t even like. His initial idea is for me to “go nuts” on the wall itself. But then it occurs to him that he might not be in this office forever and that Columbia would likely whitewash my masterpiece once he’s vacated the premises. So we settle on a more traditional decoration, to wit: a charcoal drawing on a very large piece of paper.‌
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‌After a few hours of inching back and forth around the Columbia campus via Google Street View, I settle on the intersection of Wabash and Harrison. I print out a few photos for reference, tape a 3’x4′ sheet of paper to my studio wall and get to work. My usual thing when not doing illustration is to work directly from the source, so this project takes a bit of self-deception and trickery to really get rolling. I do best with an empty head when drawing. I want as much of my attention to be on what I’m looking at as possible and thinking just gets in the way. But that is a difficult thing to do when what I’m looking at is a couple of shitty printout photos.‌
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‌What makes it ultimately come together is that the drawing is big enough that in its various unfinished states, the parts which needed clarification, augmentation, or erasure almost call out loud to me every time I step back from the thing to see what I’m doing. The drawing dictated what it needed and I did my best to accommodate.‌
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‌I don’t know whether what I’ve made is a masterpiece but it’ll sure beat the hell out of a poster of The Rock. I’ll see how I’ve done when I install it later this week.‌
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‌ p.s. I wrote about a great drawing exhibit at the Art Institute.‌
‌ p.p.s. RIP Bernice Badauskas. Who’ll call me Mr. Coffee now?‌