Columbus, Ohio

Tuesday morning I rented a car and drove to Columbus, Ohio. I’ve been to Columbus three times before. The first time was in 1997 when a friend of a coworker of mine at Pearl Art & Craft hired me to move him there in my 1978 GMC van. I was back in Chicago the following morning on no sleep to work my shift at the store. My other two visits were to see Cheater Slicks play. One of those trips was made in the Yellow Cab I was renting at the time. I’ve been a fan of the band since 1988, when I was still in high school and they were based in Boston.

I saw a post online that they were opening for Lydia Lunch at a club called the Ace of Cups and decided it was reason enough for a roadtrip. Lunch is one of those New York punk legends I don’t know much about. There’s a few of them still left wandering about, still under the radar, but with small, devoted coteries keeping them afloat. I always have a soft spot for artists who are still fighting the good fight in the face of near universal indifference. So plunking down ten bucks for a ticket was a no-brainer.

Mid-way through the six hour drive, I stopped at a Starbucks to use the wifi and booked a room for that night at a Motel 6 on a road called Olentangy. My plan had been to meet Tom at his work before he left at 4pm to load in for the show, but I had forgotten that Ohio is on East Coast time, so I wouldn’t make it to catch him with the hour difference. I screenshotted the Google Maps directions to get to the motel and drove on.

After a couple hours and several wrong turns and a brief stop at the motel, I walked into the Ace of Cups. Tom was standing by the bar talking to Bob, the drummer in Lydia Lunch’s band. Tom and the rest of the Cheater Slicks had crashed at my ex-girlfriend’s house the last time they played Chicago a few years back. It was good to see him again.

We went out back to the patio where Tom’s brother Dave was smoking and having a beer at one of the picnic tables. Gradually, the other tables filled with waiting groups of fans as well. It was a mostly older crowd which wasn’t much of a surprise. Lunch has been around since the late 70s and Cheater Slicks have been together since ’87, so it was no surprise to see few kids here. One particularly grizzled character had made the drive from Cleveland. He came over to greet the band, then relit the butt of a stogie and stood around grinning toothlessly at the rest of us.

The Cheater Slicks played a beautiful set. They’re most commonly described as a garage band, but they have long ago left the sideburned, Brylcreemed, and cuffed denim mob far behind. They play loud, feedback-laden music which seems to get more and more abstract over time. There’s an inward sort of intensity to what they do and that may be the only consistent thread over the nearly thirty years I’ve been going to see them. Afterwards, back out on the patio, Tom lamented that they sounded like smooth jazz. I told him Kenny G or Chuck Mangione would never acknowledge what he’d just done on stage as their music and that made him laugh. 

I listened to a bit of Lydia Lunch’s set, then wandered back outside. There was something studied and overly professional about their sound. This was more like a chamber ensemble performing classic repertory than punk rock. I went over to the merch table and would’ve thanked Lunch for coming to play but she was entirely consumed in tense conversation with the club owner about getting paid. I bought a reissue of one of her early LPs with a fancy block-printed cover, said my goodbyes, and took off.

The next morning I checked out of the Motel 6 and went to Nancy’s Home Cooking for breakfast. I chose it after a quick Google search identified it as the closest non-chain spot to eat. I ordered the garbage omelette with grits and spent a happy half hour taking in the collection of handwritten signs which dominated the decor. The best was the one announcing that they no longer accepted boob or sock cash unless the customer was prepared to receive change from a similar source. One of the cooks walked by in a t-shirt which claimed theirs was “The Food You Dream of in Jail”. Had those been for sale, I would have definitely bought one.

Aside from seeing one of my favorite bands, there was one practical aspect to this trip. I’d been tracking the availability of a particular Ikea frame online for weeks without success. When I told my friend Tracy about this she suggested I check the Columbus store, and lo and behold, they had plenty. I walked in through the massive revolving door right as they opened at 10am, loaded a flat cart with five boxes each holding ten Ribba frames, and pushed it toward checkout. There, a very friendly woman asked all about what I was gonna do with so many frames, told me she wanted a giant version of Van Gogh’s Starry Night over her bed, and said both her neighbors were artists; one did landscapes while the other focused on religious themes. I wished her a good day, then drove to downtown Columbus.

I had an hour to kill before lunch with Tom so I went to the art museum. I spent most of my time there looking at a show of Soviet and Russian art from 1960 to 2010. There was some compelling stuff but my overall impression was one of sorrow at what my country had done to generations of its artists. The brutal governmental constraints lay like a thick patina over the surface of each artwork. Even the most strident pieces of agitprop had a grim, defeated air to them. The blazing July sun outside was a jarring contrast to the sad, oblique work inside. I blasted the rental’s AC and drove to Tom’s record store.

He’s been working at Used Kids for twenty years now. He doesn’t deal with the public, preferring to work in the office cataloguing, pricing, and buying collections of LPs. He has a graduate degree in library science but there are few jobs to be had in that field these days. Record collectors are librarians of a sort, so at least he gets to work in a field connected to his interests. Still, he’s hoping to get out one of these days. We got deli sandwiches from a supermarket called Lucky’s and took them back to the store to eat. An hour later I was back on the highway west en route to Chicago.

That night I sweated buckets humping Ikea frames up my three flights, then returned the car to Enterprise downtown. I was only gone a day and a half but the trip went some ways to rearrange my headspace which I think was needed. The reason to go other places is mostly to refresh one’s feeling of home.

p.s. Go see Alejandro Jodorowsky’s Endless Poetry. It’s amazing.

The Two-timers

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‌He wears his Red Sox cap backwards. He’s somewhere in his fifties with a full head of white hair (unless the cap he never takes off is hiding a bald spot.) He’s got a bit of a Leslie Nielsen/Steve Martin thing going; one of those silver fox assholes. And he definitely is an asshole. She’s a few years younger. Somewhere in her forties. Too much eyeliner and a lot of cleavage showing most times she comes in. She’s a little thicker around the middle than she probably was a few years ago but she’s still an attractive woman. I don’t know either of their names but they both know mine.‌
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‌They drink the same thing: vodka-soda with both lemon and lime. With most drinkers you can gauge their pace after a round or two. Not them. All I need to do is turn my head and walk away to hear him calling after me for another. She’ll wait till I’ve brought him his to order hers, ensuring I have to make another trip down to the other end of the bar. This will go on for hours.‌
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‌I never catch any particulars of their conversation but the tone is often that of argument. Body language indicates she’s taking him to task. But most of their visits aren’t spent drinking or talking. What they do most is make out. This isn’t cute nightcap kissing either. She’s usually off her barstool, between his open legs, sometimes even on his lap. The thing with couples groping each other in public is that it’s usually not pretty. It’s not sexy like it is in the movies. Mostly you just want to look away and pretend they’re not doing it.‌
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‌I’ll wait till they’ve disengaged to check on their drinks, walk away, then inevitably hear, “DMITRY! Another?” It works like a charm.‌
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‌The consensus among all the bartenders is they’re having an affair and meet in bars where nobody knows them. I’ve seen them at both bars I work at and they don’t belong in either. There’s a covert feel to the way they are with each other too. Like they wouldn’t want anybody they know to know they’re together.‌
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‌But that’s all speculation. For all we know they might be a bored married couple who spice up their love life by pretending to have an affair and groping each other in public. What I know for sure is that they don’t leave a tip most of the time, even after drinking for hours. One time, after I’d brought her drink, I reached for the stack of bills in front of him to extract $4 for it, he started near-screaming, “WHOA, CHIEF!” like I was robbing him. I had to explain calmly that I hadn’t yet charged her. That shut him up but he didn’t bother to apologize for raising his voice.‌
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‌ That incident was never mentioned again on subsequent visits, their tipping hardly ever improves; thus I keep assuming the worst about them.‌
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‌ So it goes.‌
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Bye Bye Bernice

I didn’t know Bernice very well, nor for very long. By the time I moved to Bridgeport at the beginning of 2015 the bar named after her had already been open for nearly fifty years. I felt at home there within a couple weeks of my first visit. Many of the regulars at Bernice’s never met Bernice but her aura was ever-present within the place.

She spent most of her last days in a little room directly behind the bar’s small stage. Passing by while hauling away empties, I often heard TV game-show or daytime talk sounds emanating from there. Every now and then she would come out when I was mopping the floor or stocking the cooler. Even in her housecoat, her eyebrows were always painted and she usually had lipstick on as well. You could tell she was accustomed to men admiring her. She always called me Mr. Coffee because I always brought a cup in to work. I think she knew I was there by its smell.

She liked to keep an eye on things. Steve would get exasperated when she presented him with a list of errands for the bar even as it had been years since she had anything to do with the day-to-day running of the business. His reactions were often those of a boy to a domineering mother. She knew how to push his buttons to the very end. Yet, by giving up his career to run the bar after his father passed, Steve showed her he cared. They took care of each other even as they often seemed each other’s last nerve.

All the time I spent organizing the garage and working at the bar made me feel a bit like part of their family. Like a distant cousin from out of town come to stay for a short spell. The bar wasn’t just a business but also their home, so crossing the threshold through the back door was passing from public to private space.

The only time I ever saw her outside the bar was on Election Day when Steve took her to vote at the police station a couple doors north of the bar. I brought them hot chocolate while they waited. The only other time she left the bar was to go see doctors. A few weeks ago she was admitted to the hospital, had a stroke, then passed away soon after.

I didn’t visit her in the hospital so I never got a chance to say goodbye. I went to the wake, but wakes and funerals are for the living rather than the departed. Her body lying in the open casket near the back wall of the funeral home seemed like an afterthought. Steve remarked how it looked nothing like her.

The bar is open again. I’ll be curious to see what remains of Bernice’s living space. I took one of the many snapshots gathered for her memorial and used it to paint a portrait. It now hangs over the doorway of the kitchen which leads to the back porch. Steve had talked for a long time about converting this room into an office and storage for the bar. Changes come slowly at Bernice’s and no amount of them will wipe away his mother’s presence from this building. Nor should they. This will always be her place. I’m glad I got to know her a little before she passed.